It’s the strangest thing. Trying to start. Trying to make sense of it all. One day, you're kissing, squeezing, hugging, watching your wedding video. Holding each other tight and crying in front of one another about how deep your love is for one another. Getting to the point where routine and positive outlook is the goal. Being loving parents, companions, each crucial to the roles all have decided upon. The best ideal for a future outlook and the excitement of it all.
Then less than 48 hours later, you wake to do your part of the routine. Go to work. Get ready for the day. And it all goes full reverse. 180 degrees upside down. Your partner has completely left this world, entirely, for a better one, unexpectedly.
It all becomes a mad whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, trials, your whole soul goes off the tracks and train wrecks into concrete wall of reality. Every ounce of your being, mind, body, and soul, wants to get back to the routine, and it can’t. Your thoughts are rolled in a ditch somewhere, while everyone else that you know and love, stand above looking on in horrified disbelief.
There is no fix, no words can come. You are caught in time like a fly in the center of a web. Everyone means well, regardless of what is said, everyone else too, wants the routine to come back. They want you to come back, to take your pain away, to do something. But they know too, it’s just too big. What to say, how to say it, or how to even stand or look.
The best thing that someone did, came from my eleven year old niece from Beth’s older sister. Sitting in front of the casket, before it goes into the ground, she put her hand on my knee. More healing can come from a hold of the hand, a hug, a touch, then all the words and philosophy in this cherished universe.
Many weeks later I just simply held someones hand, and it reminded me of the last time I held Beth’s hand. It was only like one week before she passed that she came to meet me at work as I clocked out, to go to a house warming party. As we walked through the mall, she held my hand as we walked, smiled big, and said “we’ll hold hands till we’re old, right?”
For days that moment played on loop in my mind, I couldn’t shake it. Then eventually it would jump to another memory. Then all the memories start to flood over and rise up, like an island being swallowed up by the ocean.
All this time, you are still a parent, a single one now, with role of mom and dad. Having to be the best you can be. To do everything within your power to limit the collateral damage possibly being done to a three year old’s limited experienced mind.
Of course after everything, you still just want your routine back, someone kissing and adoring you. Helping to cover the weight of the world. The one and only person that was there for you as a companion, confident, lover, and who had your back more than anyone. Is the one that’s gone. And it can’t be replaced. Every ounce of your being wants anyone to even try, to play pretend, but it’s all a disaster. I’m sure it’s hard to even be within twenty feet of me. Falling out of love is different, loss of financial securities, losing others, it’s all really bad, sad, and terrible.
I have already experienced all of those. This is still different.
This is like one day you decide to go get ice cream on a warm sunny day, and on the walk home, you take a short cut through an ally. Then suddenly someone steps out to stab you repeatedly, and leaves you crumpled in a fetal position to bleed out for the next forty some years, alone.
I now really understand the importance, and power, of just simply holding hands.