It's been a little over five months now, and it's almost Christmas. I have to be honest in that I've been trying to avoid having to write this out, while knowing at the very same time that I have to do it. When I first explained this experience in full detail to the pastor who married Beth and myself, he was very adamant in making sure that I write this down and document the experience, before I get to the point where memories become too fuzzy. I feel as though I have to preface this experience by stating that I was fully conscious and awake, and I was not on any drugs nor had I anything to drink. It was by far the most intense and unforgettable experience that I've ever had my life, nor will I have such an experience again. When I do tell this story, it's extremely difficult for me not to become overly emotional. My hairs stand up on end, and then I can't even truly remember who I have told this experience to, or in how much detail. Sometimes it’s been to total strangers, other times to close loved ones and whomever in between.
My wife Beth died in the early morning of June 8, 2016. I've never loved anyone more than I love my wife. She was an amazing mother and wife, to the point where words truly cannot explain it or do it justice. I love her more than I love myself. She was kind, giving, and without a selfish bone in her body. She adored me with all of her heart and being. She defined the words loyalty and commitment. She was my very best friend, my confidante, my romantic lover, and I truly adored her with all of my being. I am not saying this out of respect for the deceased, it is the truth. I told her these things and wrote it to her in poems and greeting cards.
Eleven days after her death, in the early morning hours of Father's Day, I was awakened by the sound of her footsteps in the hallway outside our bedroom door. It was as if she’d been getting ready to go to work, and was wearing her fancier wooden/cork high heels that she liked. It sounded like she was coming from Penny’s room, and with shock and disbelief I sat up to reach over and turn on the light on the bedside table. Just before I could reach the light, I fully felt her physical body weight lay on top of me, with her head snuggled into my neck, and I could smell her hair. It was an embrace so strong and powerful that it felt like she had traveled for a thousand years through what I can’t even imagine or understand. I could feel her joy and happiness of intense love, with the satisfaction of finally reaching her goal.
One never actually knows how they will react to an experience such as this from the beyond. I prided myself in thinking that I welcomed this with open arms. (As a side note, we had previously promised, swore, and agreed that if either of us ever had to leave the other too early for the great unknown, we would come back to visit one another. We had a great many macabre and morose conversations, as we would talk about anything and everything under the sun.) I must admit, the first moment was filled with shock and terror. I remember the very first thought of mine was, “Ohhhhhhh… whoa… this is happening…,” like what you may think if you fell out of a 30-story window.
Next she rested, and then it washed over me: True Divine Love. I could sense where she was. It made me think of how in the Bible, we read about angels showing up to give a message, and how every time the person witnessing this falls to their feet in terror, but then the words, “Fear not,” are uttered, and everything is beautiful and the message is received, loud and clear. That makes sense to me now.
It was Beth, my wife. I knew the exact weight and feel of her body from being married for so long. Then I could hear her voice everywhere, inside the space. When I first felt her, I couldn’t see anything in the room, but when she embraced me completely my eyes were closed. The first thing she said (which has always confused me and stuck out clearly) was, “Your STAR was very difficult to find, but I was able to find you, as your star is in great distress.” Like a lighted beacon in the middle of the ocean. “This place is massive,” she said in such a way that I felt her total amazement and astonishment, knowing my human brain was incapable of understanding or fathoming. It was utter joy and bliss to be together again, and I heard her quick giggle as she said, “This is kind of frowned upon, but I made the choice to take the chance. It is 50/50 the type of an effect this can have on one’s humanity, and there is a clear reason why loved ones do not visit loved ones in the afterlife. There are different forms and different ways, but I had to hold you one last time.” She never said another visit wouldn’t happen again, but I got the sense this would be the last time. “Most often this type of experience can drive a person spiritually mad and be torturous in years to come, but I’m risking it by trusting your faith in God to be strong and unwavering, and moreso your future has the potential to go in the direction of true destruction and pain.” Then, this boomed loud and clear, while at the same time completely intertwined with total love and compassion, “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK, EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE OK, AND THE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO BE OK.” This came with the words and the context of feeling underneath, “God is in charge, there is purpose and reason for everything. If you could see what I see from the distance beyond human constrictions, everything makes sense and is beautiful how it is woven.”
I can’t explain how all of these messages were conveyed at once, but I could feel Heaven in the way an infant feels its mother through the umbilical cord. She was connecting to me through a barrier beyond the universe, and I was being drawn in and had total desire to be where she was, swimming in this divine love. Imagine all the addictions in our world, and then to be able to fill the empty holes inside all of us--every single one: heroin or any kind of drug, love of the flesh, love of understanding and truth, power, money, security, adventure and thrill seeking, pride, justice, and any single thing that gives us a moment of happiness. Magnify that times a million, and it still doesn't come close to this feeling and completeness of divine love.
I now understand this madness, and why loved ones do not visit other loved ones from beyond. I will never forget this experience for as long as I live, and it is behind every thought of mine, every second of every day. When you talk to me, I can carry on in any way... talk of trivial stuff, feel deeply and have in-depth conversations, laugh and make jokes, feel others’ pain, feel love, feel anger and loss, talk about the future, present, or past. But just know, this one experience is on my mind all of the time. To me, it’s bigger than the climbing of any mountains, traveling to any planets, having all the money in the world, any successes, any accomplishments. I know what comes after this great adventure of life. Nothing here compares. I can’t wait to go, but I’ve also got the message of purpose. Now I will never know what my future could have been, because of this visit, this possible destruction. It could be anything... suicide, total self-destruction, loss of faith, true hate for everything. Grief really is a terrible, awful thing, and it can destroy anyone, but Beth, my wife whom I loved more than myself, changed the tide. I understand why God allowed it, and I am thankful for it. The only downside now is knowing and having to be stuck here with all of these silly, trivial pursuits and worries. The last thing she said was, “If you were here or could even understand with the limits of your humanity, you would never worry a day in your life. Just put your faith in God.”